/ DBT-C, English / By Francheska Perepletchikova

Sense of self-love (SSL) is a stable and enduring ability to connect to self-love as is, without conditions or requirements. SSL is not the same as self-love, which is an instinct of self-preservation, an innate drive to care for one’s own well-being and protection. In crises, our love for Self gives us extra motivation (that can be experienced as thirst for life) to be able to overcome significant life-challenges (e.g., war, captivity, loss of loved ones) that otherwise can crumble us with hopelessness and helplessness. However, even instincts can break down, as we can hate ourselves enough for the instinct of self-preservation to crumble, resulting in self-harm and suicidality.

SSL refers to an ability to connect to self-love at will, regardless of life circumstances. The ability to connect to self-love is critical to establishing a relationship with Self as of that to an entity, neither good nor bad, where experience of self-love is not based on satisfying a requirement of being “good enough.” SSL allows a person to appreciate and enjoy one’s own abilities, inborn aptitudes, talents and inclinations, as well as acquired facilities, interests, competencies, expertise and mastery, as opposed to attempts to self-define or satisfy standards imposed by the environment. The primary function of SSL is to maintain safety via the drive for achievement, learning, self-expression, creativity, self-actualization, and the ability to practice the non-attachment to outcome. This concept cannot be practically embraced if the relationship with Self is conditional and is based on how one fares in life and the quality of their relationships with other people. Indeed, how can one practice the non-attachment to outcome, if their relationship with Self depends on this outcome?

Unfortunately, the information field in which we exist programs us to think of self-love as being selfish. Google search is an excellent way to learn about our collective knowledge, beliefs, prejudices, etc. This is what Google offers for synonyms to self-love: egocentricity, egomania, narcissism, self-absorption, self-centeredness, self-importance, vainglory, vanity, pridefulness, arrogance, egotism, etc. Thus, we are programmed to treat self-love as an undesirable quality, while we are expected to be loving to others. This combination of expectations is nonsensical, as we can only give to others what we have ourselves, and if we are not experiencing self-love, we cannot offer love to other people.

However, despite this environmental programming, we still seek connecting to self-love as this is a biologically pre-programmed need – environmental programming (i.e., what we can call “software”) cannot override innate biological programming (i.e., hardware). Self-love becomes very loud when the instinct of self-preservation kicks in, however, between crises, self-love is dormant and it is hard to feel, just like most of us cannot feel our heart beating in resting states. For us to feel our heart beating we need to do sit-ups or consciously decide to experience it by putting a hand on our chest. Similarly, between crises we need to consciously decide to connect to our self-love in a particular way to experience it. We are not taught how to connect to self-love at will, instead we are programmed to assign conditions of “good-enoughness” that we need to satisfy to experience it (e.g., becoming smart enough, thin enough, successful enough, loved enough by others, etc.).

Thus, we are programmed to assign conditions to achieve something that is unconditional. Further, instead of using our SSL as a drive that naturally promotes our creativity, self-actualization, achievements, etc., we are attempting to use achievements to promote our connection to self-love.

Since it is impossible to achieve connection to self-love by satisfying conditions, we continue to fail. This results in self-criticism, self-judgment, self-blaming, self-shaming and attempts to do even better to finally become “good enough,” leading to further failure, dissatisfaction and shame. This vicious cycle of striving and failing destroys the stability of our unconditional relationship with Self, as of that to an entity, neither good nor bad.

Further, SSL is not synonymous with pride, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-care, self-actualization and the like. The latter constructs belong to a conditional side of the existence, as they are based on the “if-then” contingency (e.g., “I feel proud because I solved this problem”). Self-love, on the other hand, is unconditional (i.e., “I just am and I can always experience my self-love because I was born with it, just like I was born with my heart beating’). Self-love is a gift, not an accomplishment. That means that we do not have to become anyone, possess anything, attain anything and no one needs to love us – in order to connect to our self-love. We just need to learn how to do it. Of course, we need achievements and possessions, and we need other people to love us. But we require those aspects of life for our relationships with the external environment; we do not require them for our relationship with Self.

There is a dialectical balance in the conditional and unconditional aspects of the two types of relationships – relationship with Self and relationship with others. Our relationship with Self is not conditional on our relationship with other people (even though we are programmed to believe so). However, our relationship with other people is conditional on our relationship with Self, as we do to others what we do to ourselves. For example, if I am self-critical, I will be critical and judgmental of others and I will tend to interpret what they say as criticism, regardless of their intentions. If I have pain inside, I will spread pain. If I have joy, I will spread joy.

Parental unconditional love for the child and radical acceptance of their child’s responses form a foundation for the child’s ability to experience self-love. On the other hand, pervasive and indiscriminate invalidation interferes with a child’s ability to experience love for Self. It is hard for the child to even appreciate that self-love is possible if they believe that they cannot garner the love of their own parents, who are supposed to love their child just because this child exists. One of the aspects that may signal to a child that they are not loved unconditionally is parental “shoulds.” It is imperative for parents to avoid getting stuck in a picture of what the child “should” be and attempts to mold the child into their own shape and image. We all come pre-programmed in the shape and image of God, universe, nature (whatever one believes in). We can call this pre-programmed “hardware” by the analogy of our brain being a biological computer. This hardware contains talents, learning differences, traits, characteristics, predispositions to physiological and psychological disorders, etc. Another metaphor that we can use here is Michelangelo’s David, as every one of us is a wonderful piece of art. Unfortunately, parents frequently treat their children as simple blocks of marble that they need to shape into Davids. So, with the best intentions in mind, they take a chisel and a hammer (so to speak) to sculpt this “block of marble” in their own shape and image, which can only result in crushing the already existing David. Instead, they need to appreciate that they are entrusted to see that David in their child, love that David unconditionally and help their child see their David, love their David in themselves and self-actualize their David.

The inability to accomplish these tasks may result in the child becoming self-critical, self-hating, striving to attain “good enoughness”, failing to self-actualize own talents, allowing other people’s definitions of Self or imposing self-definitions, etc. This self-judgmental stance destroys the relationship with Self and, therefore, also causes major problems in their relationships with other people.

Interested in taking an educational workshop on CPA?

Core Problem Analysis is covered in Part 2 of the DBT-C workshop and in Part 2 of the Superparenting course, as well as offered as a separate CPA training for adult and adolescent therapists interested in improving their effectiveness in targeting their clients’ symptoms and problems. The CPA training is also open to the general public as anyone can benefit from understanding the core drivers of their behavior. For discussions on this and related topics, please visit: www.youtube.com/@francheskaperepletchikova