/ DBT-C, English, Supersensers / By Francheska Perepletchikova

Parents frequently complain that their children constantly attempt to involve them in conflicts, mostly expecting parents to take sides and/or punish the other party. 

If parents get involved, this may result in:

1. Reinforcement of the negative behavior with attention
2. Further escalation of a conflict
3. Failure to teach children what to do instead

To help children effectively resolve conflicts with siblings, friends, peers, adults, etc., parents need to orient them to the following points – BEFORE a problematic situation and when children are in a neutral or positive mood:

1. A problematic relationship between two people cannot be resolved by a third party
2. Parents can teach their children what to do to improve relationships 
3. Parents will ignore children’s attempt to involve them in conflicts

Summary of the orientation:

A problematic relationship between two people cannot be resolved by a third party

1. We cannot control other people, life and circumstances, we can only directly influence ourselves – what we do, feel, think and our biology
2. Parents cannot control their children
3. Parents cannot fix relationships between siblings (or with any other people) if they are not a part of that relationship
4. A problematic relationship between two people can only be changes by the parties involved in that relationship
5. Our ability to initiate and maintain any healthy relationship is based on our ability to GIVE to other people
6. Our ability to give to others is based on our ability to give to ourselves
7. To change any problematic relationship, we need to start with self – “what can I do differently in my relationship with another person, so they change how they relate to me?”

Parents can teach their children what to do to improve relationships 

1. To be effective, we need to maintain a dialectical balance – ignore negative interactions AND introduce positive interactions 
2. Ignoring the other person’s negative behaviors is the most caring thing that we can do for them in the moment, and it decreases chances that behavior will happen in the future
3. We need to do for the other person what we would like for that person to do for us, such as complementing, praising, agreeing to play a game of their choice, allowing them to chose a movie to watch together, offering them a bigger piece of a pizza pie, etc.
4. Our ability to consistently give to another person is based on our ability to give to ourselves first
5. Ae need to bake our own bread on the daily basis: self-reinforcement, self-validation, self-care, self-compassion, self-control, self-love, cognitive self-restructuring
6. Practice and discuss bread baking with parents daily
7. Discuss and practice giving to another person with parents as needed

Parents will ignore children’s attempt to involve them in conflicts

1. The most caring thing that parents can do during conflicts between siblings is to ignore, as this precludes reinforcement of negative behaviors with attention and puts children in a position of having to resolve their conflict themselves 
2. If a conflict escalates to physical aggression, both parties will be send to time out

For parents to be able to execute parenting techniques effectively, they need to assume the role of a protector. Parent-protector:

Ensures that children are not afraid of their parent

Controls own responses

Knows what to do and has a capacity to do it

Is not afraid of their children